The Desert Run Page 4

  “On your own?” she replied. “Isn’t Ben here?”

  “No, he’s gone out. He said he’d be back late.”

  “Oh.”

  I thought she'd go upstairs to her room. She usually did if it was just me around.

  “It’s just you and me, then,” she said, in a voice I'd have to describe as playful.

  And with that she came and sat at the other end of the sofa, pulling her bare feet up after her. Then she straightened her leg so that the tip of her toe began to tickle my side.

  I didn’t mean to but I tensed right up.

  “Are you ticklish, Jake?” she said.

  “No,” I said, and twisted to escape her foot. I managed to sit back in the sofa too, in a slightly more normal position.

  “OK.” She stopped digging into my ribs and went back to watching me.

  “What are you watching?” she asked.

  “It’s a Bourne film,” I said. “The second one.” I wondered if I could slip the clippings down the gap between the cushion and the side of the sofa. I know that’s disgusting, but I wasn’t thinking about leaving them there; it was just until she went upstairs.

  “I like that one,” she said. “Mind if I watch it with you?”

  “No, course not,” I said, and there was a little awkward silence. Or at least it was awkward for me.

  “Not with Andy tonight?” I asked suddenly. And inwardly, I kicked myself for bringing him up, because the thought of watching a film with Julia was actually quite appealing, if I could just relax.

  “Football practice,” she said, making a face. “He's so boring.”

  I agreed but didn’t know if I should say so, so I didn’t say anything. Instead, I glanced at her, at her long hair which was all over one side, pulled in front of her body. I tried not to look usually; I didn’t want to get caught perving at a flatmate. She looked good, let’s just say you wouldn’t have caught me running about in the mud if I could shag Julia instead.

  We watched the film for a little while, about a minute maybe. Then she spoke again.

  “Jake, can I ask you a question?”

  “Yeah, course.” Maybe she wasn’t as much of a Bourne fan as she’d made out. That was cool, I'd seen it before anyway. But what she came out with really surprised me.

  “What do you think of my boobs?” she asked.

  I didn’t think I could have heard her right.

  “What?” I said.

  “My boobs,” she said again, very clearly this time, and putting her hands on the sides of her top so that the material was stretched tight over her chest. “Do you like them?”

  “What?” I said again because—well, because what the hell else can you say to that?

  “Do you think they’re a bit small?” She was still pulling at the sides of her top, pointing her tits at me, and staring straight at me, like she was actually expecting an answer.

  I still said nothing.

  “Come on Jake, I’m thinking of having them done.”

  “Done? Like a…" Suddenly I realised what she was actually talking about. “Like a boob job?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “If you wanna call it that. What do you think though? Do you like them?”

  “Well, I haven’t really noticed,” I said, which obviously wasn’t true since she’d been living there for a couple of months by then and I’d thought about them plenty. I’d compared them to Anna’s. There had been one time when she was walking back from the shower that I’d even managed to get a half-decent look at one of them because her towel didn’t quite meet at the side. But I couldn’t admit any of that to her.

  She just gave me a funny laugh. “Yeah, right, Jake. All men notice.”

  I could feel my face going red. I was pleased the light wasn’t on, so maybe she couldn’t tell.

  “But come on. Have a look now. What do you think? I really want to know.” She turned so I could see them from the side, then turned again so that she was facing me again. Her face looked earnest, a little furrow of concentration on her brow, where I was trying to keep my eyes.

  “Come on, they won’t bite you, Jake,” she said. And slowly, I let my eyes sink down to her chest.

  “Well?”

  To be honest, I couldn’t see much. Even with her stretching her top behind her, mostly, I could just see the outline of her bra. I guess she realised this because suddenly, she leant forward and grabbed the bottom of her top and pulled it up quickly over her head. In a flash, I was looking at her flat belly, the bottom of her rib cage, and above that a white bra, with frilly lace at the edges.

  But she still wasn’t happy. Now, she reached behind and unclipped her bra in one swift movement, then let it drop onto the sofa between us. She flicked her hair and again posed herself for me to inspect.

  “There. What do you think now?”

  I was stunned into silence. Staring open-mouthed at her breasts as they swayed gently from side to side.

  “Andy says they’re too small.” She screwed up her face. “Actually, he hasn’t said they’re too small, but I can see it’s what he’s thinking.”

  She began to fidget again, pushing her breasts from the side, then underneath, as if she were in her bedroom, or the bathroom, or wherever women go when they want to touch themselves up, instead of sitting across from me on the sofa in the living room.

  And I didn’t know what to think. I’d gone from cutting my toenails to staring at a naked pair of breasts in less than five minutes. I don’t think the human brain can adapt that quickly. Not the male brain, anyway. I just stared at her, at how her nipples were hardening from a puffy softness to stand proud and erect. I could feel the effect it was having on me too. I tried to hide it with my arm, moving so that it draped over my lap.

  “Well, come on,” she said again. “What do you think?”

  I’d seen a few pairs of breasts by then, for real I mean, not just online. Although mostly it had been either in the dark or I’d been drunk. But these were definitely the nicest pair I’d ever seen close up. You could argue they were a little on the small side, but they more than made up for that with their shape—how tight and pert they were, and with the rest of her body being so hot, and the way the longest strands of her hair were touching the tip of her left nipple. I thought they looked amazing, and given enough time, I might have been able to say all that. But she didn’t give me time.

  “What? Say it.”

  “They’re nice,” I said, feeling rushed.

  “Just nice?”

  She sounded deflated and puffed out her cheeks. It made her look cute which wasn’t a word I’d associated with Julia previously.

  “You’d like them more if they were bigger, wouldn’t you? You can tell me.”

  I searched my brain for an answer, but nothing came.

  “Come on, Jake, a handsome guy like you, you must have been with lots of girls. You must know what you like?”

  I nodded.

  “Do you want to touch them?” she asked a moment later, a smile coming back onto her face. I felt like she could read my mind. But I was confused too, I didn’t know what the hell was really going on.

  “Do you want to feel them?” She smiled and leaned closer to me on the sofa. Then she took my hand, the one that was covering my erection, and held it between both of hers.

  “Cold hands,” she said. Then she placed it over her right breast so that it cupped it. I could feel her chest moving as she breathed. I could feel the hard nub of her nipple against my palm.

  “There.” She still held my hand and pushed it firmly against her. “Do you like that?”

  Again I couldn’t answer. I just stared at her.

  “Give me your other hand,” she ordered, not laughing now.

  I wanted to do what she said, but I had a problem. I still had the bloody toenail clippings in my other hand pressed into my palm. In the end I did the only thing I could and slipped them down the sofa, wiping my palm against the cushion as I pulled it back out to make sure they were all g
one. Then I gave her my other hand and she placed it on her other breast. We were close together now, she was staring right into my eyes, I never dared to hold her gaze before.

  “What do you think Jake?” She said.

  I opened my mouth to answer but I didn’t know what to say. I was thinking about how I had a packet of condoms in my room; I was wondering if I should suggest I go and get them. Or would it be better to suggest we both go upstairs, since it wouldn’t have been cool for Anna or Ben to come back if we were going to do it right there in the lounge. But at the same time, I didn’t want to move my hands from where they were, each cupping one of her breasts. I let my eyes drop down from her face, her belly, where her slim body disappeared into tight jeans. I wondered about trying to kiss her. Then there was a loud beeping sound from the kitchen.

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  “Nothing,” I replied. I decided to go for it. I squeezed her breasts a little and I leaned forward, aiming for her lips.

  “No, seriously,” she pulled back. “What’s that noise?”

  The tone of her voice cut through my brain. The playfulness was gone. She sounded totally matter-of-fact.

  “It’s just the oven timer,” I said. “Don’t worry. It’ll go off in a minute.”

  She screwed up her face like this was crazy.

  “No, it won’t. It doesn’t stop. And anyway, whatever you’ve got in there will burn.”

  “Don’t worry,” I said again. It wasn’t like I’d been that hungry in the first place.

  “Jake,” she said now, giving me a look like I was behaving really strangely. I still had my hands planted on her breasts, but she leaned back now, making it awkward for me to stay holding onto them.

  “You can’t just leave it making that noise. Go on. Go and turn it off.” And with that, she let herself fall back on the sofa. She made no effort to cover herself up, just lay there against the cushions, her hair fanned out around her head, the weight of her breasts now falling back against her chest. I looked at her in confusion for a moment, but she was right, the noise wasn’t going to stop, and it was my pizza. So I pushed myself up, awkwardly to try and hide my erection. And I half-walked half-ran to the kitchen.

  I turned the oven off and got myself a drink of water. I could see my reflection in the inside of the window. I looked startled, but I gave myself a wide eyed smile and whispered to myself that I was definitely going to get laid. I thought again about those condoms upstairs. I decided I should suggest we go upstairs. My room was tidy enough to do it in, or we could use hers. I’d read how girls often preferred to do it in their rooms; it made them feel more secure or something. I didn’t think about Andy once, clearly she wasn’t. I took a deep breath and walked back into the living room.

  And Julia was gone. Her bra and top were no longer on the sofa. There was nothing to show what had just been happening. I panicked for a second, and then I realised. She’d had the same thought as me, that we couldn’t go any further in the living room in case Ben or Anna came home. So I went upstairs, a little slowly now because I was nervous again for how I might find her.

  I tried my room. I thought I might discover her naked, lying on my bed, beckoning me in with one hand while showing me her other rubbing between her legs. But the room was empty. I quickly grabbed the condoms from my drawer and went straight to her room, down the other corridor off the stairs. When I got there, the door was shut, and just because I still wasn’t quite sure, I knocked.

  “Yeah, what is it?” She called from inside. That wasn’t what I expected.

  “Um, shall I come in?”

  “Why?”

  I didn’t know how to answer that, but just then the door opened, and Julia was standing there. She wasn’t naked, or in her underwear. She was fully dressed, a loose black blouse covering her top. She was even putting her coat on. She looked at me pretty funny too, as if to ask what the hell I wanted. I shrank back across the hallway.

  “Jake,” she said, as if this was a surprise. “What do you want?”

  I blinked a few times, trying to work out what was going on.

  “I was just, um—” I began, not knowing how to finish this sentence. I still had the condoms in my hand. “I thought you wanted to know what I thought.”

  She frowned at me, like she had no idea what I was talking about. Then noticed what I was carrying.

  “Oh that. Oh.” She smiled. The sweetest smile. “Oh Jake. You thought… I don’t think we’re going to need those. I’m with Andy remember?”

  She reached out and touched my hip and I dropped my head, but didn’t turn away, not while she was touching me.

  “He just texted, they’ve finished early, so he asked me to come round to his place.”

  I didn’t say anything, there was nothing I could say.

  “I really did just want your opinion. You don’t mind do you?”

  I shook my head, still looking down at my feet.

  She gave a little half-laugh. “Look if I ever get fed up of being less important to Andy than his silly football games, you’ll be the first to know, alright? I’ll make it up to you.”

  She reached out and with her finger underneath my chin she lifted my head up. The look I saw on her face was what made me fall in love with her.

  I nodded.

  “OK.” She gave me a smile, “I’ve got to go.”

  She pushed past me, I felt her body press momentarily against mine as she did so, then she was gone, gliding down the stairs in her loping, bouncing steps and straight out the door.

  And for a very long time after that I found it hard to concentrate on applying for jobs, or working at the petrol station, or even to notice that all Ben seemed to talk about was his crazy drug smuggling idea. But if you’d seen how she looked that day with her top off. If you’d had your hands where mine were, I’m pretty sure it would have distracted you too.

  9

  Time divided that evening. Like an axe splitting a log it separated into the ‘before’, when Julia was just a flatmate, and the ‘after’, when I saw almost everything through the prism of Julia, how wonderful she was, how wonderful she looked. I marvelled at how I could have lived with her for so long without seeing just how stunning she was. I must have been blind. And I felt sure that whatever had happened, would happen again, if I only made the right choices.

  I wanted to tell Ben about Julia. I wanted to tell everyone. But especially Ben since he was my best friend. But I wasn’t sure what to say. I suppose I could have just described what happened, but despite my euphoria it confused me, I came to think I perhaps hadn’t handled it too well. And I certainly didn’t want Julia to find out I’d been bragging about it, not if that might make her less keen to repeat it. So I didn’t tell Ben, nor anyone else. Instead I hung around the flat as much as I could, hoping to bump into her when no one else was home.

  But that didn’t go so well. In the weeks after, Julia always seemed to be around Andy’s. And even when she was at the flat, she’d be upstairs, doing her uni work. Every now and then, I’d hear her coming downstairs to the kitchen, and I’d jump up, suddenly needing to make a cup of tea or something, but it was always awkward in the kitchen. She’d be distant, apparently engrossed in thinking about her work, and then she’d disappear back up to her room, leaving me standing there, with the memory of how she’d looked that evening fading, no matter how hard I tried to fix it in my mind.

  But while I filled my head with thoughts of Julia undressed, Ben was busy filling his with his plan. Although as far as he was concerned, it was our plan, not just his.

  It was our ‘meeting’ that brought that home to me. That happened a few weeks later. It was my day off and I was hanging around the flat with Anna when Ben came in and suggested me and him go and get some air. He looked at Anna as he said so, and raised his eyebrows at me, like we had to talk, but not in front of her. Anna had already told me Julia was out for the day so it made no difference to me. I shrugged and followed him out.

 
We went to a café on the seafront. I queued up to get the drinks while Ben bagged a table right in the corner where we wouldn’t be overheard. When I found him he had his laptop open, and was punching in the key for the wifi.

  “I need to update you on progress, and maybe give you a few tasks,” he said, not looking up at me, so I had to clear the space myself to put the tray down.

  “OK. Progress on what exactly?” I had genuinely forgotten with everything that had been happening.

  Now he looked up at me.

  “Jake, I’m not going to say it out loud, am I?”

  I thought for a second.

  “Are you still going on about your dope plan?”

  “Fuck’s sake Jake. Keep your voice down.” Ben glared at me and glanced around. “Yes, we’re still very much looking at the plan. That’s why I asked you here. To update you.”

  I shook my head and stirred sugar into my coffee.

  “Alright. Whatever,” I said.

  “We need to properly think about all the issues we need to solve, then divide up responsibility for them. So that we’re working together, but not wasting resources,” Ben said. Or he said something like that. I wasn’t really listening. Outside the window, a girl had just walked past, long hair blowing in the breeze. I thought she looked like Julia. A bit like her, anyway, same hair colour but not as good-looking. But then, no one was quite as beautiful as Julia. I couldn’t help noticing how the breeze was blowing the girl’s top against her chest, making it easy to get a sense of what her breasts were like. Smaller than Julia’s, I thought. I really didn’t know what she was worrying about.

  “Jake, are you listening or what?” Ben interrupted me.

  “Yeah, course I am,” I said. I looked at him and smiled.

  “Can you maybe focus a bit?”

  “Sure.”

  “So I was saying, what are the actual problems we’ve got to sort out?”

  Reluctantly, I turned my attention to what he was talking about.

  “What?”

  “What are the issues we’ve got to address?”